I saw Jared Leto at the supermarket last week. He was wearing a paper sack over his dong and nothing else.
Fact: I am a liar.
most people will tell you that benedict cumberbatch is actually a snake/dragon/iguana in a human suit.
they’re wrong, of course.
benedict cumberbatch is a severely deformed mountain goat.
in 1989, oceanographers made an alarming discovery. the ocean is actually an enormous amoeba. in order to combat “soil erosion,” as these scientists have been mandated by the NWO to call it, more toxins and pollution have been pumped into the air and sea to fight off this horrifically large cellular entity, who’s only mission it’s long, devastating life is to consume all that it can, including land masses and all that reside upon them.
all unicorns are female. they reproduce by wishing another unicorn into existence.
what is gumption?
why, it’s a thick stew made from the souls of rotten children, ground beef, and a tomato base. it’s sort of like chili, except if it’s too spicy, instead of your mouth being in unbearable agony, you just die.
if you don’t like cats, you’re going to die.
snow is just zeus scratching the dandruff out of his gnarly beard
if you have sex with someone you love, when you’re finished, you will find a plate of cookies under your bed.
if you have sex with someone you don’t love, but like well enough, you’ll find a hot pocket under your bed after you’re done. but just one.
if you have sex with someone you’ve just met, i’m impressed. i can’t even get a free drink out of someone i’ve just met, let alone sex.
if you have sex with someone you never want to see again, they’ll turn into a vapor and float away when you’ve finished.
if you have sex with someone you hate, their genitals will swell up huge like a balloon and then explode. good job. they’ll never forget you now.